Ask Kids GOOD Questions

What's the secret to talking with teenagers?

Start talking when they are children.

Talking and listening to kids from a young age establishes the processes for both you and your child that are really useful when they become teenagers.

Like everything else talking to kids can be done a) poorly, b) moderately or, c) really well. Talking develops your relationship with them, their relationships skills, their self-esteem and, if done really well, their own self-knowledge.

If you talk really well to them they become encouraged to talk to you. Talking is a skill, like any other, that takes practice.

Kids differ in their propensity to talk. Some are conversational clams who hold everything, including their feelings, close to your chest. Others just love to bend your ear in a one-on-one situation for a time. Know your kids and choose your time to talk are key principles here.

One feature of effective talking is the ability to ask questions. GOOD questions will open up communication. The right question at the right time can illicit a positive response that leaves both you and your child satisfied, and more importantly wanting to talk more.

Here are five GOOD questions to ask your kids:

1. Ask specific, not general questions: Rather than asking a child, "How was school today?"(general question) which gives kids little choice try asking specific questions such as, "What was something new you did today?" or "Where are you at with that new art project you began last week?" Specific questions indicate real interest and in fact are, real questions.

2. Ask for a solution: If a child tells you to stop nagging about cleaning up their bedrooms ask them for their solution- e.g. "Okay, so how would you go about keeping it clean?" This opens the door for negotiation and places responsibility on children to be involved in the solution.

3. Ask specific questions to get information: If a child is upset by something that happened at pre school, school or even the next room there are times when you just have to get more information. "Can you tell me what happened?" "What was it that upset you?" Sometimes being listened to is all kids need.

4. Consult with your child: Ask questions that tap into and broaden your child's self-knowledge. "When do you feel you can work your best to do your homework?" Kids know from the cradle what they need so let's tap into that knowledge.

5. Ask what they would like to change: If a child complains about something specific, such as their sibling's behaviour or school, ask them what they would like to change. "If you could change one thing about school what would it be?" This can often open up a range of conversational options.

There is no script or easy to remember set of rules to follow when talking with kids.
However, these questions are easy-to-use tools that you can use when you and your child need to gain a better understanding of each other, or just an exploration of better behavioural options.